Virgin Active named and shamed!

My gym sessions have been nipped in the bud. The day I joined, a very pleasant young lady filled in all the paperwork and allowed me in for a swim. I came back for an aquarobics session a few days later and my swipe card worked okay. It was on my third visit that things started to go wrong. I had an appointment for an induction, meaning that someone would be showing me how all the equipment worked.

On the appointed day, I showed up but the person who was supposed to be 'inducing' me didn't. Not only that, my swipe card wouldn't work and I started getting hot under the collar as the girl on reception disappeared behind the scenes for ages to find out why. I felt like a criminal who was trying to get in under false pretences. Only the fact that I could show them the card bearing the name of the girl I was meeting allowed me access. Then I was informed that the girl was off that day and I should go into the gym and find someone else who could show me the ropes.

I ended up with Mr It's-Not-My-Job, who rushed me around from machine to machine, pushing buttons and pulling levers. Then, as I was frantically trying to scribble instructions in a notebook I'd brought, he told me not to bother as he'd put all the info on a kind of USB stick thingy and all I had to do was post it into a slot in each machine and it would tell me what to do. So far, so confusing. I was also freezing cold as I was wearing a sleeveless T-shirt and the gym had the aircon set to Arctic.

After he'd disappeared for ages, leaving me shivering, he reappeared brandishing my 'key' as it was called and telling me that I had to stick it in a machine as I entered the gym, whereupon it would register the fact I was there, tot up the calories I had used, and at the end of 6 months it would tell me how much weight I'd lost. (Huh? So I'm not expected to eat for 6 months? How about Christmas?)

My head in a spin with all this technical info, I went for a swim. Three days later, all fired up up to start using my new key and show the other gymmers what a technophile I was, I returned. Not only would my swipe card not work again but I was told they didn't have me on their system at all. No sign of me. Nichevo, nilch, nyet. As far as Virgin Active were concerned, I did not exist and the girl who had filled in my forms was on holiday. Once again, I felt like a criminal as they grudgingly agreed to let me in.

Then my woes really started. I 'clocked in', went to my first machine, slotted in the key, contorted my legs around the weights and closed myself in and then, guess what? On the little screen a message appeared: SEAT POSITION? That's right. With a question mark. Releasing my legs with a sigh, I examined the seat for a button to press. Nothing. I repositioned my legs and placed the metal prong in the 20 kilos hole. Then I tried to move the weights. Ouch! Although the prong was in the 20 kilos position, the screen told me I was trying to move 40 kilos. In despair, I disentangled myself and looked around in vain for an employee in a red T-shirt, of which there was no sign.

So I went for a swim then discovered I had only brought a small hand towel to dry myself on. By that time, I was naked, my swimsuit merrily spinning round in the dryer. I blotted as much of myself as I could, but imagine what a wally I felt, walking into a changing room full of clothed people with only a small blue hand towel to hide my ten and a half stone of wobbly cellulite. I got outside, it was cold, windy and raining, my hair was damp and I had a 15 minute wait for a bus and a 20 minute walk home from the bus stop. Not a pleasant experience.

Yesterday I had a call from the gym regarding my membsership. My paperwork had gone missing on its way to be scanned. I would have to come in and fill it in all over again and bring my passport as they needed proof of my age. The girl said she had asked me the day I joined to bring my passport next time. Yes, I had forgotten, but on the other hand she had seen my Freedom Pass so surely that was enough to prove I am eligible for the Over 60's membership? Apparently not. My urge to get fit evaporated at this point. I told her I would not be returning till the New Year as I was going away for the first week of December, and then there would only be two weeks before they closed down for the Christmas holidays. In fact, I not returning again. Not ever. Any gym who touts for membership then loses your paperwork and makes you suffer embarrassment and long waits while they disappear into the office to be told 'computer says no', during which time your urge to work out evaporates and you have missed the start of the class you wanted to attend, is not worthy of my membership. I shall go back to my previous small, friendly gym, where, if you hadn't been for a while, someone would ring to ask if you were okay. It may not have a pool but Flex Lifestyles is worth its friendly weight in gold - or, in my case, flab!

OH MY GOD! just realised that the paperwork Virgin Active have lost contained all my bank details. Someone could rob me blind. Right now, as we speak someone could be helping themselves to a sizeable sum that I moved out of one savings account in order to open a new one with it. It's too late to ring the bank. Don't think I'll sleep well tonight...