The Daily Wasp

Years ago, when I split up with a certain boyfriend, he wished upon me something he called 'the curse of the daily parrot'. For the rest of my life, he vowed, I would see a parrot every day. (This was because when we shared an office, he nicknamed me 'Polly Parrot', not just because I wore colourful clothes, but because of the way that, according to him, I squawked to my friends on the telephone. A wall was promptly devoted to anything parrotic - empty Polyfilla boxes, a photo of me with my head replaced by a parrot's - you get the picture.

For years, it seemed that whenever I opened a magazine or turned on the TV, there was a macaw, an Amazonian grey or, at the very least, a cockatiel. Now my garden is overflown by flocks of parakeets. I have ceased to look out for parrots. Maybe on some magical level he has divined this (he was a lecturer in the occult, after all), for now some rotten bugger is sending me ... the daily wasp.

It's winter, for God's sake. Wasps should be asleep, or dead. But not in this house. I don't know where they're coming from. I've blocked up all the gaps around the door to the under-eaves cupboard with parcel tape. But there I am, tapping away at the keyboard, when suddenly, with a sound like a Lancaster bomber with engine failure, an exceedingly large yellow and black striped beast swoops over my head, so close that I can see its furry shorts and rasping mandibles. I duck, scream and run for cover (or yell for Mr Grumpy to come and deal with it).

Yesterday, Mr Grumpy sprang into action, can of Raid in hand. "Where is it? I can't see it. You're imagining things," he declared, then: "Oh, there it is. I can't squirt it 'cos it's sitting on your laptop screen." Being very brave, he gave it a swift, hard backhander and it fell to the desk, legs still waving. One horrid crunch with the back of his mobile phone and he then threw it down the loo and flushed it away.

You may still be dreaming of a white Christmas, but I'm hoping I don't have a black and yellow one. MERRY CHRISTMAS!