Mugger microbes

I have suffered from athlete's foot for as long as I can remember. Regular immersions in seawater is the only thing that keeps it at bay (pun, groan). I get it between my little toe and its next-door neighbour and as long as my feet are dry, it's no bother. But the moment I step out of the bath or shower, if I don't dry my feet within seconds, a crack opens up between them and it gets very sore and flaky.

Antifungal foot creams? Forget it. They keep my feet moist, which is the worst thing for them as those pesky little fungi have a fetish for frolicking in gloop. I think the term is 'sploshing', which covers everything from food fights to baked bean baths. Powder works better, so long as I apply it instantly, and sometimes instantly isn't soon enough.

I read that the reason athlete's foot occurs most often between these particular toes is that they are generally jammed tight together so that the air doesn't circulate between them. (Air? In a sock? Is there a marketing opportunity here for socks with a built-in layer that releases air that puffs between the toes when you tread, in the manner of a woolly whoopee cushion?) With this in mind, when I had a bath last night I jammed one of those toe separators that we ladies use when painting our nails, between the digits in question before I even hopped out and grabbed the towel, in the hope that instant aeration would do the trick. Did it hell! By the time I'd grabbed towel off rail, the Grand Canyon had opened and the microbes were snickering at me: "Ho, ho, we're on your toe."

I sprinkled the buggers with Mycil and pulled on my socks thinking, "Die, you bastards." Half an hour later, I felt the painful sting as the athletes jabbed javelins into the crimson chasm. Which brings me to a terrible joke. I've tried to censor it for the sake of my politer readers, but those of the filth persuasion can read between the lines.

A man goes to the doctors with a horribly swollen and painful big toe. As he peels off his sock and shows it to the doctor, the doc bursts out laughing. "Whoo-hoo. Ha-ha!" he wheezes.
"Okay," says the patient. "It may be funny to you but it's damned painful for me. What is it? Gout? Have I broken it?"
The doctor looks at him candidly and asks, "Have you had sex in any strange positions lately?"
"Why?" asks the patient curtly, angry at this intrusion into his private life.
"Well, you've got syphilis of the big toe," announces the doctor, and bursts out laughing again.
"Syphilis of the big toe? That's not funny!" protests the patient. "How do you know it's syphilis of the big toe?"
"Well," guffaws the doc, "I've just had a woman in here with athlete's ----!"