Sleeping sickness

My body must have been assembled on a Friday afternoon, from the sweepings and the leftovers from the rest of the week. God's little helpers, eager to go off and cavort amongst the cumulus, stuck on the arms and legs, gave it some red hair that nobody else wanted and stuffed the skin with the correct organs without checking if they all worked properly. I was lucky with the heart (so far, at least) and the brain scores about 6 out of 10, but the stomach! What inconsiderate, sadistic seraphim gave me an ulcer-prone duodenum and a gut that was sensitive to just about anything, according to whether I eat it on a Monday or a Wednesday by a moon that is waxing or waning? And then the aforementioned spirit (damn its harp to hell) made sure that the sins of greed and gluttony were added to the mix that composes my nature.

Yes, my digestive system is impossible to predict and has ruined many a plan, and even the odd foreign holiday, kyboshed before I even set foot in the taxi to take me to the airport.

One of my problems is, of course, that I am curious by nature, as well as greedy, and can never resist trying something new, especially if I think it's something I need. I have mentioned my insomnia before. Having had great results from homeopathy when it comes to nipping colds in the bud (gelsemium for the kind that start with a sore, tickly throat, Nat. Mur. for the type that begins with sneezes and a runny nose), I decided to look round my local health food shop to see if there was any homeopathic remedy for insomnia.

To my delight, I discovered Nelson's Noctura. Knowing that homeopathic remedies contain only tiny doses, I thought there was unlikely to be anything in this remedy to affect me. I took the required two tablets four hours before bedtime. I was meant to take another two 'on retiring' but I fell asleep at midnight before I could take them. So far, so successful. But awaking at 4.30am with awful pains in my stomach was not conducive to a full and restful night's slumber. An hour and a half later, the loo started to see rather a lot of me (sans mobile and sans book, if you read the last two entries).

I felt so grim that I would have cancelled almost any engagement this morning, save the one I staggered out to as I knew it could only do me good. That was a massage from Daphne, the brilliant Malaysian lady with the diagnostic powers and healing hands.

"I feel cold patches here and here," she said, touching left kidney and lower abdomen. (I'd had cystitis a week or so back.) "And here," she added, and I ouched as she pressed my guts on my right-hand side. Very gently, she massaged me with tea tree oil. Since she began this treatment, my daily Zantac intake has been cut to around one per fortnight, a brilliant result.

Now, four hours on, I can still feel a dull pain but nothing like as bad as it was this morning. As for the Noctura, it does send you to sleep, if you don't have sensitive innards. It cures constipation too, take it from me. Anyone want the rest of the packet?