Food Orgasms

My surname rhymes with ‘greed’. When I was little, my mother used to say that Greed was what it should have been as I was famous for scoffing everything put before me, then, not surprisingly, getting a stomach ache. I can never resist the lure of seconds, or even thirds. It’s the taste and texture of food that appeals to me. The crunch of a well roasted potato, then the glorious breaking through to the soft, floury interior, gives me an orgasm of the teeth. The combined flavours of salt (Lo-Salt, naturally, though I crave sea salt and give in on occasions) and the juice of the chicken, lamb or beef that they were based in gives me an orgasm of the tastebuds. Thus one might conclude that food is often better than sex.

Two nights ago I was laid low by the very last roast potato. Five were left on the roasting tray and they were about to be slung onto the lawn for the delectation of the mangy fox. Even his brush is devoid of hair and his sorry condition makes him resemble that ghastly breed of furless cat, with a length of pink cartilage for a tail. He won’t survive the winter without fur so I am determined to feed him well and give him a good summer. However, my generosity didn’t amount to five roast potatoes, so I ate two more. Then one more. The fox got two and I hope he was grateful. Maybe it was his accusatory vibes that kept me awake all night, groaning and rubbing my tum.

In the morning, I had a coffee date I didn’t want to break as I had cried off last time when my ulcer was playing up. Scrabbling in the cuboard, I found a box containing one Yogi Stomach Ease tea. I drank it before going out and as I journeyed, I felt the discomfort gradually easing so that by the time my friend arrived, I was bright eyed and bushy-tailed (compared to that poor fox, anyway), if somewhat tired from having all of three hours’ sleep. I originally tracked down Yogi Teas on-line, after discovering a sachet in my sister’s kitchen in the Lake District. It had been there so long that she didn’t have a clue where she’d bought it. You can, however, find them in larger health food stores and I bought a new packet in a shop in Ealing, West London. I’m sure that they’re better for you than Ranitidine. Next time I need one, I’m going to try grating raw ginger into it and seeing if that makes it act faster, or produces a stronger effect.

By the way, I forgot to programme my brain to wake me at a certain time, so having woken once in a sweat because I fell asleep under two duvets, then again at 5.26 am when the damned blackbird started, I finally surfaced properly at 9.10. Having taken no sleep aids whatsoever, not even alcohol, last night, this was a veritable miracle.