LOSING WEIGHT: A WARNING!
This ode is for all those who want to lose weight,
Who think once they’re slim they will feel really great,
When they fasten their jeans without even a grunt
And look like a profile when viewed from the front.
Well, life ain’t so easy, just take it from me.
Losing weight isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
And in case you think slimming has made me go funny,
I’ll boil it all down to the single word: money!
That tubular dress that so curvily slunk
Round your body now looks like an elephant’s trunk
As it wrinkles round hips that are no longer there
And reveals a cleavage that’s vanished somewhere,
Those tight, sexy trousers that once fitted snugly
Now hang like a sack and look baggy and ugly
And dear, oh dear, that favourite dress
Makes you look like you’re pregnant, with triplets no less.
You put on your shorts, and down the things drop.
It would take several boob jobs to fill up your top
And the knobbly legs that project from your hem
Look like old-fashioned walking sticks used by old men.
By now, choking sobs, you’re assembling a heap
Of clothes that are headed for Oxfam next week.
Then a small, sneaky voices whispers right in your ear,
“You need to go shopping now, don’t you, my dear?”
Here’s some pants that you like, so you reach for the rack.
From size 18 and 16 you pull your hand back.
“Could I be a 14?” you wonder in joy.
You’ve not been that size since you snogged your first boy.
But glory, oh glory, they fit like a dream.
You admire your taut buns in your new skinny jeans.
From New Look to Top Shop, from Hennes to Fenwick
Your credit card’s flashed and you don’t give a pfennig.
You’re feeling so good on your scrimping new diet
And the exercise routines you do on the quiet
That at first you don’t notice – then suddenly do:
All those new outfits look awful on you!
You must be size 12 now, or even size 10.
But you just can’t afford to go shopping again…
You’re in a dilemma, till that voice in your ear,
Whispers, “Chocolate, Chardonnay, biscuits and beer!”
And this is why slimmers fall right off the wagon
Into chocolate fountains and wine by the flagon.
We know that obesity might make us ill
But we’d rather face that than the credit card bill.
(By Lorna Read, who is currently somewhere between 10 and 16 and
wishes it was her age, not her weight)