Last time I did a wash, I put in two grey socks. Only one came out. I rotated the drum of the washing machine, stuck my head in, peered all round, looked in the garden to see if I had dropped it, felt inside the duvet cover and the pillow cases; no sock. It hasn't been seen for a week.
Just 45 minutes ago, I took off one sock to treat my fungal nail with its weekly Curanail routine, involving filing it, swabbing it, soaking it, trimming it and painting it with the very expensive solution. (I read the other day that Vicks Vaporub does the trick for only £3.99 as opposed to £13.99 - I am now on my third bottle as it takes a year to work!) Then I stripped everything else off and had a bath. Cleansed, dried and moisturised, I then started to get dressed again and lo and behold, only one sock awaited me. The other has hopped off to God knows where. It wasn't up the leg of my trousers, or stuffed in my sweatshirt pocket, or on the bed, or on the floor. It has simply gorn, vanished, disparu, evanui (Ok, my French spelling is as appalling as my pronunciation), buggered off. It is no more. It is a late sock.
I think that there may be a Ministry of Socks that, like an alien abduction, targets single socks and whisks them off for fiendish experimentation. Trying to make the ultimate glue from toe-jam; selling toenail clippings to witches; supplying moth breeding factories with food. It could be a nice little earner. But please, don't take one next time, take both. I can't match up one grey one, with one black one with yellow toe and heel. All my single socks end up in a bag, then every so often I chuck them out. Then I start finding the missing ones, of course, and end up with another bag full, till I remember I've already thrown away their mates, whereupon I throw the latest lot away, only it contained some that were put there only recently, and then of course I find THOSE missing ones. Perhaps it is the endless cycle of missing socks that keeps the world, if not the solar system, if not the whole universe, turning.
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Much the same happened to me the other day. However, missing sock turned up under chest of drawers in bedroom. It had a hole in it. Now, it goes without saying that socks need a hole, a big one, to put your foot through. This sock had two holes, though; I suspect a mouse, as it's too big for a moth, and anyway it's a synthetic sock which moths tend not to chew. Please, Hydra, send me any spare cat you happen to have around, and it'll have a field day in both house and garden (out-of-control rabbits reign outside.)
Which book featured a pony called Marrylegs? Oops, Merrylegs. Freudian slip! Spare cat? What colour? Does it have to match the sock?
'When I had eaten my corn I looked round. In the stall next to mine stood a little fat gray pony, with a thick mane and tail, a very pretty head, and a pert little nose.
I put my head up to the iron rails at the top of my box, and said, “How do you do? What is your name?”
He turned round as far as his halter would allow, held up his head, and said, “My name is Merrylegs. I am very handsome; I carry the young ladies on my back, and sometimes I take our mistress out in the low chair. They think a great deal of me, and so does James. Are you going to live next door to me in the box?”
I said, “Yes.”
“Well, then,” he said, “I hope you are good-tempered; I do not like any one next door who bites.”'
Extract from 'Black Beauty'.
We lose socks, too. I think it's a sock conspiracy and the socks abscond one at a time to join an Odd Sock Army. Knowing that we will eventually throw out their matching counterparts, they wait patiently until they can raid the dustbins and be reunited. If the time ever comes when all single socks are coupled again, The Sock Revolutionary Front will form and strike. Not sure what they'll strike and why, though. Any suggestions?
Just a thought - Maybe we should try checking the Lonely Hearts column in The Daily Sock? Perhaps there are single socks advertising there?
Incidentally, neat Tea Tree Oil will also treat your fungal infection of the nail. Vick also does the trick.
Thanks, Jac! I had just read about Vicks in a health column so I think I'll give it a try. I love the idea of socks raiding dustbins. Perhaps we could start a lonely hearts column for socks? I have a whole book idea written out (did it 3 years ago) called The Socks Life of Eric. It's a series of captions such as 'Eric had his first socksual experience behind the bike sheds.' All it needs is an illustrator...
An illustrator, eh? Is Eric a person or a sock?
Eric is a person. I wrote his 'life story' - can't remember if I spelled is 'socks' or 'sox'. Must dig it out of the computer! I think he had 'soxual encounters'. I'll send it to you.
Please do send it and I'll see if we have a writer/illlustrator empathy. Glad to hear Eric's a chap, as animated socks, whilst not impossible to draw, aren't so easy.
I need to dig out my Rotring pens; no idea where they are. It's been so many years since I used them I fear they will be dried out and blocked up.
I'll send you a photocopy of the last book I illustrated.
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