I godda code

It's been a long time since I last had a cold. In the interim, you forget how ghastly they are. The red raw nose, the constant sneezing and streaming, the earache, face-ache, headache. The feeling of being hot, dry and itchy outside and freezing cold inside. It's sheer misery. I found myself wondering why I had never written a funny rhyme about colds, and realised it's because they just aren't funny. I may look an amusing sight to somebody else, with my red nose and matching eyes, but they won't linger long to look as they'll be too busy running for cover to avoid my germs.

I went to bed at midnight with a hot water bottle under my cheek (I keep getting awful stabs of neuralgia-type pain) and a fistful of kitchen towel. I awoke around five and for a few moments I thought, 'Ah, I'm OK, it's worn off'. But that was before I stood up and instantly turned into a snot fountain.

I took my laptap to bed and watched the final episode of Injustice, which I'd missed. When it had finished, I occupied myself with trying to remember ghastly colds of yore. I found I could only recall one: Luxor, August 1991. Twenty whole years ago but the misery is as vivid as if it happened only last month. It was 45 degrees F in the Valley of the Kings. I was suffering the twin horrors of dreadful diarrhoea and a streaming cold at the same time. The dehydration caused by my ailments, plus the extreme heat, made me feel that death would be a pleasant alternative.

Then, lurking somewhere in my bag full of crumpled, soggy tissues, I found a phial of Nat Mur tablets, a homeopathic remedy for 'colds where one's nose runs like a tap'. There were only five left. I took two, then half an hour later I took the other three. Then, miracle! My cold ceased like a tap being turned off. If only the diarrhoea would have done the same! I had to visit the doctor for a needle in the bum to get that cured. I wasn't well until the last two days of the week's holiday and was severely castigated by my friend, who said I should have called the doc the first day (I went down with the tummy bug as soon as I arrived, so I must have either brought it with me or caught it on the plane) instead of ruining her holiday. Sympathy? Huh!

I tried the Nat Mur tonight and this morning. It hasn't worked. I've found this to be the case with all the alternative (and quite a few of the standard) remedies I've used over the years; sometimes they work, sometimes they don't and you never know why. This is definitely the type of cold in which the nose runs like a tap - so maybe I'll have to get a plumber in to fit a new washer!