New dress

I never buy 'smart' clothes as I don't go to the kind of places where one would wear them. It's 20 years since I used to go to awards ceremonies and magazine launches and I can't see me every being required to go to that kind of thing again. In fact, I could squirm in embarrassment when I recall some of the stupid things I said to my superiors after imbibing too much of the pre-dinner free champagne. It's a wonder I didn't lose my job. Hang on a minute, I did! I was made redundant in 1994. Oops!

Anyway, today, I gave in to temptation, and here's why...

MY MAGICAL FROCK

A miracle happened in ‘my M&S’

in the shape of a size 12 (“Yes!”) Little Black Dress.

Understated but flirty, designed in good taste,

it featured front zips and neat, nipped-in waist.

By the Sale rail my timid hand doubtfully hovered

As I thought, should I try it, or aren’t I that bothered?

I’m a good size 14 and I’ll never get in it –

but hey, I’ll just try it, it won’t take a minute.

Well, I struggled and squeezed and then suddenly, wow!

It had slipped into place, I shall never know how.

It perked up my bosom, shimmied over my hips

and extracted my waistline from chocolate and chips.

I stood and admired this extremely svelte gal

while thinking of new shoes, hair-do’s and Lo-Cal,

for one extra ounce would be its undoing.

The seams would all split and the zips would go Boing!

I peeped at the price and from forty-nine quid

it had come down to twenty-six. Really? No kid!

But where would I wear it? Posh parties ain’t me.

I’m more jeans and tie-dye than smart LBD.

But some little devil prodded me in the pocket,

saying, “Buy it and flaunt it. Show the world you’ve still got it.”

So here I am, guys and I’m ready to rock.

I’m devil-may-care in my magical frock!