Goldenseal

I first got piles in 1968 when I was pregnant. They never went. That makes almost 40 continuous years of pain and swelling in the nether regions. A minimum of 6,935 tortuous visits to the loo - probably a lot more when you include over 30 trips to Turkey and the consequences of foreign food and water, not to mention the evil mornings-after following unwise amounts of Turkish brandy and Coke.

Over the years I have applied everything from packs of frozen peas (no, I didn't eat them afterwards) and Germaloids, to Tea Tree suppositories and Proctosedyl. Forget Anusol: I was too embarrassed to ask for it. It's like admitting you were born with Uranus in the ascendant. The ancients also suffered from them and historical cures included mushrooms and chocolate oil, the latter calling all manner of revolting jokes to mind.

In a Sunday paper recently, I read a snippet in a health column recommending the herb Goldenseal. The column, just a small paragraph, probably covering the same area as one of my worse piles, reported that someone had had a massive pile disappear after having taken Goldenseal tablets for just two weeks. (Does this mean that owners of crumbling stately homes can now leave a pill in the porch instead of having to call on Blaster Bates?)

The article sparked a rush on Goldenseal resulting in a nationwide shortage (just how many haemorrhoidal homo sapiens are there?), but my speedy rush to the laptop and my nifty fingers ensured that one bottle was mine. I have now been taking it for ten days and all I can report is a touch of the trots and a derriere that feels even more tender to the Andrex Velvet touch than usual. I am still hoping for a miracle but I'm not holding my breath, or my sphincter. n