Sunday, 28 August 2016

Down in the Depths

I am so sorry. It's three months since I last blogged and the reason for the silence is that I've just been very unhappy about a lot of things in my life and didn't want to seem like a whinger.

To sum up, my relationship is no longer working but as my partner is sick and disabled, I feel dreadful about leaving; I still haven't found anywhere else to live and now face another freezing winter in this inadequately heated house; someone I am very attached to and have been very close to for ten years has suddenly cut me out of her life, with no explanation, and I have lost my regular freelance job and now have nothing to do and no extra income apart from my pension (thank God for that!).

Not surprisingly, the stress has had a bad effect on my health and I am wondering if I am having a kind of nervous breakdown. Having compared notes with my sister and found I have the same symptoms as when she had a breakdown years ago - panic attacks, insomnia, bad stomach, hyper-sensitivity, getting over-emotional about the slightest thing, bursting into tears frequently and all sorts of other stuff, too - I think I might be. I'm certainly very depressed.

I consulted a homeopath and the remedies he prescribed have helped for the last month, but I have now finished the course and can't afford to keep going back for more. I suppose I could try and track down the remedies on the web. Hmm... I might just do that. One of them was Lycopodium, for anxiety and stomach problems, another was Dulcamara which can help arthritis and stiff neck - and I have recently discovered that I broke my neck in three places in 1985, not just two.

Just thinking about what I suffered and how I got no help at all from the medical profession and have had to spend more than £30,000 of my own money seeking relief from the pain and disability it has left me with, makes me well up. It also makes me feel very angry and hard-done-by. I went to see my GP three weeks ago and she flatly refused to send me for any scans, even though I damaged my spine lower down, too, and that has never been x-rayed at all. Oh, sorry, I'm whingeing again.

Anyway, as soon as I have made sense of at least one of my current problems, I hope to start writing again. One good thing to report is that, encouraged by my artist sister,  I have begun painting for the first time since my school days and have already sold the two illustrated below.

Border Collie Pup

Here is the other:

Not having painted since my schooldays, I am surprised at how well they turned out. Perhaps painting, not writing, is what will get me through these dark days.


Teresa Ashby said...

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. Could you see a different GP?
I do love your paintings. I'm not surprised they sold - you are very talented and perhaps painting will prove to be therapeutic. I really hope things start looking up for you soon xx

Jackie Sayle said...

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Like Teresa, I think you need to see a different GP. I love your paintings, too. They have a charming naivety. As I said, my favourite so far is the ginger cat on the blue-striped deckchair. I'm surprised that didn't sell! I find I often can't write when my mind is in turmoil or my body in pain and drawing, painting or even just sitting colouring in pictures (don't care if it's a kid's colouring book or an adult one) can be therapeutic, as can chopping up things in the garden. Jigsaws are good, too - straight pictures or funny ones, or those WASJIG ones where what's on the lid of the box is what the characters on there can see, not what the actual jigsaw is.

You know my number if you need a chat. xx

hydra said...

Thanks to both of you. xx